


worth the ache of loss

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 3x19 spoilers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 09:59:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18569089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: He need not say the name for Magnus to know exactly who he’s speaking of in this moment. For of the two people in his life he’s ever been in love with, only one is truly lost to him.---Or, Brother Zachariah thinks back on people he loved (the ones he'll never stop loving), and whether he would give up the good memories if it meant erasing the pain of losing them.





	worth the ache of loss

**Author's Note:**

> Shadowhunters 3x19 spoilers.

Jem owes Magnus his life, which is why he cannot stand there and watch him throw such a large piece of his own away.

Magnus has known him for the majority of his life, from the time before his transition from Shadowhunter James Carstairs to Silent Brother Zachariah. He may not have lived as many years as Magnus, experienced nowhere near the centuries of love and loss, but he knows without a doubt that the intensity of the few he has match up to Magnus’ Alexander.

Magnus was there for him more than once in the past, and now is his chance to return the favor.

“You’ve lost great loves before… as have I.”

He need not say the name for Magnus to know exactly who he’s speaking of in this moment. For of the two people in his life he’s ever been in love with, only one is truly lost to him.

The phantom ache of the faded scar that was once his parabatai rune draws his attention to his shoulder. He knows the rune no longer holds any power, the shape nothing but a daily reminder of all he gave up to save his own life. Was it worth it?

When it first happened he would’ve said no, and he would’ve missed out on so much joy. So much  _life_. 

Now, looking back, his answer is an easy yes. And he would do it again a million times over. The memories of watching Tessa and Will marry and have children of their own while leading long, full lives, bring him as much comfort as they do sorrow at the immediate reminder that all but Tessa are gone now.

Jem is not allowed such personal relationships, and as such he lost the freedom to search for anyone else in this life who might hold a candle to the boy he loved.

Not that anyone ever could.

Tessa never moved on, either, and swears she never will. He understands completely.

And yet despite the pain of their shared loss they both know it’s better to keep the bad if it means the good remain as well. He would never trade the memory of the first time he met William at the Institute, or of days full of sarcasm and taunts, or the nights of Will listening to him play the violin… he wouldn’t give up a single second of any of those memories even if it would remove all the pain of the memory of holding Will’s hand while he took his last breaths or the agony he still feels over losing the first person to treat him as an equal, not as a charity case.  

Pain is as important as pleasure. It’s a reminder that this life is temporary, that nothing - _no one_ \- is guaranteed from one moment to the next. That some loves are worth the ache of loss, just for the honor of holding them close for a little while.

He only hopes Magnus will come to see that before it’s too late and he loses something so few get the privilege of experiencing at all.

**Author's Note:**

> ( Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3)


End file.
